Roasting Ralph
by December
Summary: Future-fic. Our favorite comedian is taken over the coals with the help of a certain couple. The third story in the Ralph as comic-verse.


She smiled as she saw him pacing around backstage. "Ralph! They told me you were here. Ready to get raked over the coals?"

"Titi! Dude!" the comic came over to hug the colleague and friend who was the Mistress of Ceremonies for the night.

"What did I tell you about that, stoner boy? I'm not a dude," the black woman laughed as she returned the hug.

"But, you're like my dude, dude," the Canadian insisted.

"How am I supposed to answer that?" the American comic laughed in return. "So…are you ready?"

Ralph shrugged. "I guess. Not that you gave me enough information."

Titi blinked innocently. "What do you mean?"

"Um…hmm, let's see. You only told me that Gabe, Jeff, and Kathleen would be here for sure. And you say there would be 'only in good fun' surprises."

"And?"

"And? How am I supposed to prepare to fire back if I don't know who is going to be here?"

"Aren't you, like, a comic? Think on your feet!" Titi replied.

"Moments like this, you remind me of Martika," Ralph groused.

"Love you, too, stoner boy," was Titi's response. Although she had been using that response with Ralph for years, she noticed that lately a lot of emotions would fly across his face when it would slip out. One day Titi would ask about it, but that night she had a show to do in honor of the comic in front of her who was special to her in ways she didn't even completely understand yet. "Now, go on out there and take your seat. We've got to get this show on the road soon," she finished with a smile.

"Fine, I'm going."

"Have fun, stoner boy."

"Don't have too much fun, dude."

"…I'm going to be dude forever, aren't I?"

"Pretty much," the comic agreed as he left to prepare to get roasted.

"The coast is clear. Y'all can come out," Titi said after a few minutes. A door opened and three people stepped out. One of them was obviously security, but the American comic was more interested in the foreign couple. "I'm so glad you could make it and help us out tonight."

"Of course," the woman smiled. After a pause, she asked, "People seriously call him 'stoner boy'?"

"Hey, that's not my fault. He had that nickname before I met him. When I asked about it, all he would say is 'L.A., dude. L.A. It was so rock and roll!'"

The male laughed, "That figures."

"I take it you are ready to give it to him good?" Titi smiled.

"Hells ya. He deserves it for the whole 'Dasey' thing," the man complained.

"I think it's cute!" Titi exclaimed.

"Yeah, you, my wife, and my sisters…but when your teammates have a bunch of daisies sent to your room every out of town game, not so cute."

"Besides," his wife counters, "we should get a chance to tell Ralph stories that will guarantee laughs. The stuff from high school alone deserves its own special." She paused, "And this way I actually get to have the zingers I prepared for a roast read!"

"You are still annoyed by that? And that was how many years ago?"

"I had some good ones," his wife pouted.

"Well, maybe if you hadn't started to cry-" he started.

"It was a moving moment. Not that you couldn't have still gone to Spain-" she returned.

"And deprive you of me? Now that wouldn't have been fair at all!" he returned. Whatever comeback his wife would have returned with was lost in the laughter of the American host.

"Now I see why Ralph talks about you two so much. But we do have to get going. One of the stage hands will direct you to where you need to go."

"Thank you, Titi," Casey Venturi smiled as she and her husband began to walk off.

"Oh, and Derek," Titi called to the male half of the couple, "We did manage to get some drums out there. Do I need to rustle up a guitar too?"

"Please don't," Casey said as she led her husband away.

Titi smiled as she heard the famous hockey player demand, "What is that supposed to mean?" It was going to be a great night. Sure, stoner boy was going to kill her after the show, but it was her responsibility as his "dude" to make sure this was a great night of comedy. He'd forgive her later.

**- Roasting Ralph -**

_The third installment in the Ralph as comic universe_

By: December

She smiled backstage as she was waiting to be introduced. With Dasey hiding in the wings and lots of fellow comics and celebrities bursting with stories about 'Stoner Boy', she knew it was going to be a great night. A night worth the formal dress she sported and the heels she was in. Smiling with glee about the upcoming night, she almost missed her que.

"…And now here is your hostess, your mistress of ceremonies, your Roast Master – a double T who wishes she was a double D – Titi!" the announcer finished with a florish.

On that note, Titi swept out onto the stage to the applause of the audience. Smiling at the comics already in VIP seating stage right, she walked with purpose to the podium in the middle of the stage, glancing at the couch and chair stage left, where she and Ralph would spend most of the next couple of hours. She smiled at the bouquet of daisies sitting on the couch. He was going to kill all of them.

"Good evening and welcome to the roast of our favorite comic, Ralph. Y'all ready to have some fun?" The audience cheered in response.

"Now, as most of you know, roasts are a chance to make fun, pick at, point and laugh at, and/or tear people to shreds…because you love them. Don't worry, it's all fair. At the end of the night our honoree gets to fire back. After much discussion, we all figured it was time to let our Stoner Boy have it, but before we get to the fun, I think we should bring him out, right?" after the audience agreement, the comic smiled, "So, here is his. The man. The Canadian. Our Stoner Boy. Ralph."

Spotlights hit the back of the room as Ralph made his big entrance. First, the comic flexed his almost non-existent pecs. Then he jogged toward the stage, giving hi-fives to audience members as he went. After climbing on the stage, he first went to Titi, whom he hugged again…and whispered a comment to. They, he was led away to the couch of honor. He paused when he saw the flowers, then laughed and shook his head. As he and the rest of the audience settled in, Titi started things off.

"I thought I'd start off the Roast by telling you how we decided to have one – just because it has a great Ralph moment in it. It was after the Comedy Expo in Aspen. We were all sitting around the lodge drinking hot chocolate because none of us knew how to ski, not even our Stoner Boy Canadian or guitar boy who hailed from Denver. As we were trying to look cool inside, I suddenly had a brainstorm and said, "Why don't we have a Roast?"

"The other comics start to nod, except for Ralph. He looked deep in thought and a little worried. Then he said, 'Who's cooking it? 'Cause you know, Jeff's wife tends to dry out stuff…and the last time Hana cooked, it nearly killed us.'

"The rest of the table bursts out laughing at that point and I looked at him and said, 'Not that kind of a Roast, Ralph.'

"'And we should roast Ralph, just for that comment alone,' Paul suggested.

"At that point, Ralph blinked and shrugged. 'Um, okay I guess. So…can we talk about dinner now, since we weren't talking about it before? I'm a little hungry.'"

"But I was hungry!" Ralph called from the couch. The audience laughed and Titi smiled.

"So, that's how the idea of the roast started. As for me being chosen as roast master…well, I lost the rock, paper, scissor tournament, so here we are."

"We have a great line-up of people ready to let Stoner Boy have it, so I'm going to introduce the first one and get out of way. And I'll let Stoner Boy's mentor take it from here. Gabriel, you're up."

After Titi relinquished the stage to the famous comic, she settled in on the couch next to Ralph. The two of them laughed over some of the stories Gabe told, especially the story about the gas station and gallons versus litres. Before Titi knew it, she was up again, introducing another comic and friend of Ralph's, Paul. Paul took a slightly different approach to his set, and he was the first person of the night to make her pause.

"Thanks, Titi, for that introduction," Paul began. "But before I get started, I figured I should answer that question you had for me last night, Ralph."

Ralph had looked a little pale at that and had shot Titi a look…almost as if he were afraid of something. Titi shrugged, but patted his hand and nodded in Paul's direction. She was pretty sure Paul wouldn't do anything to hurt Ralph, especially on national television.

"Ralph asked me how to admit to the woman he loves that he loves her," after giving time for the audience (and a few of the comics) to "aww!" Paul continued. "He had already called his friend Derek, who gave him tips on how he landed every girl but Casey, which didn't make Ralph too happy. As he said to me, 'he didn't tell me how he got the important one!'.

"At the time, I didn't have an answer for you buddy. But I do now. At the right moment, look into her eyes. Pull her into your arms….and stick your tongue down her throat."

Titi couldn't help it. She burst out laughing. Some of the other women were laughing as well, but Ralph had a look of concentration on his face. "I know it sounds crazy," Paul insisted, "but try it. It will work. She'll find it romantic and the best story ever."

Paul cleared his throat and rolled his shoulder. "But now, back to my task, making fun of Ralph. When Titi first asked me to do this – I said no. Then she begged me to do it – and I said no. Then she pointed out that I promised to do this when we were all in Aspen – and I said no. Then she threatened to talk about a little known comic tour I was on, and I was working on my set. Titi drives a hard bargain. And, if we ever get to roast her? It will be major."

"Anyway, I was among the few, the proud, the people in L.A. with Ralph for his first and last appearance there. And I thought the roast would be the perfect time to tell the world about it, until the lawyers called me. L.A. was epic…but now I'm bared from talking about it. So, instead, I have to share with you some of Ralph's pick up lines. I have a top five list on lines that Ralph has continued to use on women.

"Number five, 'The club gives me drink discounts. Want a cheap shot with me?'

"Number four, 'S'up.'

"Number three, 'My friend (insert name here) has a (car, nice house, wining lotto ticket, Zac Efron's home number). I can get you an in.'

"Number two, 'Heeeyyy.'

"And, of course, Ralph's signature line, 'Nice shoes.'

"And let me tell you, that last line once had him in a shoe store with a hot blonde, looking for shoes at 10pm at night because she was convinced he was a gay guy with good taste in shoes. Ralph, bubby, you are the only person I know who – instead of accidentally getting married when he's drunk in Vegas – accidentally becomes someone's personal shopper."

As the audience laughed, Ralph replied back, "Hey! Why didn't that stay in Vegas?"

"Because the blonde still calls you on occasion for suggestions for shoes! And you give them to her! For free discounts at – what chain was it? Baskin Robbins?"

"Cold Stone, Paul. It would only be worth it for Cold Stone," Ralph insisted through his laughter.

Paul continued with other vintage Ralph moments, most of which had her friend the comic doubled over laughing. At one point, after Paul had shared something particularly funny, Titi turned to look at Ralph and her laughter stopped. He just looked so cute, practically folded in two from laughing. An attentive cameraman caught the American comic placing a hand over her heart and the soft look over her face. It couldn't catch her internal thoughts, but her face showed that she had clearly turned a corner in how she viewed the comic next to her. The look melted into laughter again, but the viewing audience always had that moment to refer back to.

As the night went on, comic after comic shared some great moments in "Ralph-verse" as Hana put it. They all also offered advice with this so called love problem Ralph was having.

Hana said, "Just continue to make her laugh, Ralph. You'll worm your way into her heart. Or her laugh will scare off all of your competition."

Guitar boy played him a song, with the chorus, "She might be outta your league, but alcohol can start your exhibition game." The audience laughed a groaned at the possible double entendre there.

And then there was the advice of, "Just tell everyone you're together. If she's feeling the same way, she'll back up the story. If not, you can just tell everyone it was a set up for a joke."

Peanut, the purple puppet, just told him he was SOL.

Before Titi knew it, it was near the end of the night, and time for the big surprise. As she rose one more time and took the mike, she smiled at the honoree.

"Wow, Ralph's been laughing so much, his face is completely red. It almost looks like we literally roasted him!"

As the audience laughter died now, Titi began her introduction. "Now, the main planners of this whole night were Hana, Paul and me. Hana made a master list of all the people who could royally embarrass our Stoner Boy, so we'd know who to invite. Paul, challenging his inner girl, left Ralph the bouquet of daisies that was on the couch.

"Not to be outdone, I got Ralph something as well. I brought Ralph a Dasey, too. Except, they aren't the kind you put in water…they're the kind you worry about getting through immigration during the break in hockey season-"

"Holy shit!" Ralph shouted from the couch. "Titi, you didn't."

"Ralph, all the way from Canada, I brought you a Dasey who has a few things to say about the high school Ralphie we never knew."

"Derek is so going to kick my ass. Again. Titi, dude, there is a medic on stand-by, right?"

Titi stuck her tongue out at the honoree, which merited some laughs and a few catcall, surprisingly, but continued with her introduction. "So, all the way from Toronto, I present the next Wayne Gretzky and his Jane Austen. Help me give a warm, US welcome to Derek and Casey Venturi!"

As the couple came out, there were lots of claps, cheers, and a few whistles. Ralph was blushing and laughing at the same time, which Titi thought took some talent. After hugging the Venturis, Titi returned to her seat. And the couple took over.

"Hello, Ralph," Derek Venturi began with a look.

"Oh, shit," Ralph got out through his laughter.

"And that was our exact exchange after his first special for Comedy Central. I think he turned about the same color that time, too," Derek said as he laughed.

"Anyway, we are very honored to be invited," Casey broke in. "I think it's only fair that we get a chance to share some of Ralph with all of you."

"But, Ralph, I have got to ask. Can we borrow Titi? I mean, 'the next Wayne Gretzky?' She needs to be doing my press releases."

"And comparing me to Jane Austen? I almost got too choked up to speak," Casey seconded.

"Almost being the key word there," her husband responded.

"De-rek!" Casey looked at him as she hit him upside the head.

At this point, Ralph stood up, "Do you see, America? See?! I saw this for years. Years. Yeeaarss. Of course I had to talk about Dasey."

"I am going to have to talk to you about naming us after a flower, Ralphie-boy…but we can have that conversation later," Derek promised.

"But we should get back on task, shouldn't we, dear?" Casey smiled sweetly as she pulled out some index cards.

"Well, Casey did come up with a plan. She didn't name it like she used to in high school-"

"Hey! I only named covert operation Purple Fog!" Casey objected.

"I rest my case," Derek shared. "But back to you, Ralph buddy."

"When Titi asked us to come, we accepted immediately," Casey shared with a smile. "It seemed only fair, as you never seemed to share your own funny moments."

"In fact, after Titi called, we started talking about your best moments, Ralph. Well, okay, I was talking…Casey was making a list."

"Lists are good things! But anyway, we quickly discovered that there was a lot that we could talk about-"

"So we decided to each pick and present our own take on high school Ralphie for the world." Derek smirked.

"Uh-oh," Ralph laughed.

"And, since I've known you longer, and therefore know much more dirt, we decided to let Casey go first."

The brunette smiled as she looked at Ralph before she started. "Well, I thought long and hard about what to talk about. But I kept coming back to the Battle of the Bands. So, when we were in high school, I temporarily joined Derek's band D-Rock…mostly under duress."

"She pulled the drama queen card so much I barely got any rest," Derek butted in.

"Hey! My story," Casey stared down her husband. "You'll get your turn later."

"Fine."

"Anyway, there were many things I could say about the experience, including the fact that Ralph, the band's drummer, was the only one who admitted the band wanted me up there to look hot and strut so people wouldn't really listen to their mediocre music-"

"Hey! That's not what he s-"

"My story, Derek."

"Fine."

"But, I kept coming back to some of our drummer's fashion choices," Casey smirked at the honoree.

"Casey, you wouldn't," Ralph seemed to plead.

"Oh, but she would," Derek said. "Keep in mind, she's lived with me for years now."

"I'm so dead," Ralph said as he put his head into his heads.

"I think I'll start with the rock 'n roll pants, shall I?" Casey laughed. "You see, Ralph wanted to strut his stuff in shiny black pants that would make the women swoon."

"Woo-hoo! Ralph wore leather pants!" one of the comics shouted.

"You would think," Casey corrected, "but no. Ralph's shiny black pants weren't leather. They were vinyl."

"Vinyl? Like car seat vinyl?" Titi heard herself asking out-loud.

"Exactly," Casey smiled as the audience laughed. "Black, shiny, car seat vinyl. I don't even know where he found them. The scary thing was? I'm sure he would have worn them more often. But they had one little problem. They didn't – how did you phrase it Ralph – breathe well?"

"I think they might have been roasting the chestnuts, huh, pal?" Derek asked to audience laughter.

After the audience calmed down a bit, Casey continued. "Now, the pants alone are enough to laugh about for days. But Ralph made another interesting fashion choice – but I hear this was in part a financial choice as well."

"Uh-oh," Ralph murmured.

"You see, Ralph got these drumming gloves. They were actually pretty cool, in classic black and everything, but Ralph wanted them to be special. So he had them monogrammed. The only problem? He couldn't afford to put his whole name on each glove. So instead, each glove says 'Ral'."

"Oh my God," Titi laughed. "Ralph, please tell me you still have them."

"You don't still have them, do you?" Casey asked.

"Ten bucks he still has them, Case," Derek insisted.

"Well, Ralph?" Hana shouted from her VIP seat.

"Casey…you owe Derek ten dollars."

Casey just shook her head. "I'm not asking about the vinyl pants."

"Okay, now that we've talked about the questionable clothing choices of my buddy, here, I have some other things to share," Derek smirked as he looked over at Ralph.

"Uh-oh," Ralph uttered.

"I thought about what to say for a long, long time. I could talk about how, when Casey and crew where planning my surprise birthday party and 'pretending' to forget my birthday, you actually did."

"You're still my best bud, D. And I haven't forgotten it since," Ralph pointed out.

"Uh-huh. I also thought about sharing a story Sam recently reminded me about, which involved trying to explain math to you using a drum kit."

"Innovative," Casey interrupted. "How did it go?"

"When Sam tried to explain that the angles in a straight line added up to 180 degrees, Ralph asked if that were also true for long lines. Like the ones during chili day in the school cafeteria," Derek smirked.

"But math is evil," Ralph whined.

"I have to agree with Stoner Boy on this," Titi seconded. "Math is evil."

Derek shrugged. "Accepting that school work is not always actually important to non-keeners, I decided to let that go. But I thought about discussing when Ralph let his inner girl out during the battle of the bands to cry at our competition's song."

Ralph didn't reply to this. After a few people turned to look at him, he shrugged and said, "What? Schlepper freakin' found a rhyme for lout. It was so emo rock and roll."

"In all of my musings, however, I thought I should tell the story that Ralph hasn't shared. The story of Ralph and Amanda," Derek smiled.

Ralph blushed a little and muttered, "You can never escape high school, can you?"

"To be honest," Derek began, "I was surprised that Ralph never mentioned Amanda in his sets before. He's talked about his girlfriends Anna and Martika. He's even talked about Casey, but not about Amanda…the first girl to have him whipped."

"I was not…okay, yeah, I was whipped."

"This was around the whole time when I was trying to date a girl named Sally. At that time I had a 'patented' freeze-out strategy with women. 'Treat them mean to keep them keen,' I explained to both Ralph and my brother Edwin. In my defense, I will say that high school boys are stupid when it comes to women."

"As are most men," Casey added.

Derek looked over at his wife and cleared his throat.

"Let me guess," Casey asked, "your story? Okay. I'll let you tell it."

"As I was saying," Derek continued, "I shared this strategy with my brother and with Ralph. Ed actually did what I told him to do-"

"Which his why he didn't get the girl until my sister stepped in," Casey interrupted. Noticing Derek's look, she added, "But this is your story, so…"

"But Ralph told me he had as well. So, one day I meet up with him at school and ask how things were going. He shares he had a girlfriend named Amanda. I asked him if the freeze-out/ignore method worked, and he insisted it did. But then," Derek shook his head.

"Then, he sees his girlfriend from across the room and says, 'Hey, Muffin. I made you your lunch.'

"I'm standing there in shock, thinking that this was the opposite of the freeze-out strategy. In fact, right in front of me, the two of them start getting very mushy. She even called him 'Ralphie'. After he offered her his arm and led her away, I think my stomach turned just a bit. I even said, 'I think I'm going to Ralphie.' Dude, I'm not sure that you got that making lunches for your 'muffin', is not using the freeze-out."

Ralph shrugged. "She didn't notice me when I ignored her, so I had to do something after I complimented her on her shoes," he replied.

"You haven't changed a bit," Derek shook his head.

"What my husband is trying to say is that we love you Ralph. We wish you all the best in the world," Casey began.

"Yeah, and you owe us some money for all of the 'Dasey' stories you've told. I'll have Edwin catch up with you soon, figure out our cut." Derek said with a completely serious face before he broke into a smile. "Now, Titi said that you got to close this thing out, so come up here and give us a hug."

Ralph laughed as he walked up to the podium. After ducking a fake swing from Derek and hugging Derek, Ralph then hugged Casey. He purposely hugged her a bit too long so Derek could jokingly say, "Hey, can I have my wife back now?" After the Canadian couple took their seats, Ralph began his response.

"Wow. This was nice. I had no idea how many stories most of you had been hording. And I now know who to blame for letting Peanut in. Thanks a lot, Hana. That purple puppet has a way of making me feel like a piece of meat."

"On a stick," a muffled Hispanic voice from a certain comedian's case.

"Thank you, Jose," Ralph agreed. "Exactly like that."

"Anyway, this experience has been crazy. But it has shown me that I have a lot of friends and family. I'm one of the lucky ones; there are a lot of people who have my back – although they will point and laugh at said back, given the opportunity. And there were a lot of ways I could close this out, but I just had to do one important piece of business. Since everyone brought it up. Thanks a lot, guys." Ralph continued as he sent pointed starts to Hana, guitar boy, and even Paul. "At least, I can resolve this among friends. Because, if you can't make a fool of yourself among friends…you will never have any material for your sets," Ralph observed to audience laughter.

"Anyway," Ralph shared, "I'd made the mistake of asking comedians for love advice. Which, by the way, you should never, ever do. Because you will end up in their sets forever. But, in all of the laughter and the bad advice they gave in response, a miracle happened. Paul said something useful and intelligent."

That comment caused many of the comedians to laugh. Paul had a reputation for giving comically bad advice. So, for Ralph to praise a Paul idea had people paying attention. "In fact," Ralph shared, "I'm going to follow his advice right now."

Stepping away from the podium, Ralph walked toward Titi. She blinked as he stopped in front of her, wondering what he was about to do. Looking at her intently, he took her hands in his. Then he pulled Titi to her feet. The American comic teetered slightly on her heels, which worked to Ralph's advantage as he pulled her into his arms. Titi continued to stare at her colleague until he swooped in to kiss her. Her eyes remained open in shock for a few seconds before they fluttered closed and her arms snaked around his neck. Pretty soon her hands were in his hair.

The audience and VIPs, of course, reacted to this.

"Aw! How cute," from Casey.

"Woo-hoo! Go, Ralph," from Derek.

"Yep, he's got his tongue down her throat," from Paul. "Knew that would work. I am the fuckin' master."

"In your own little head," from Hana.

"Yeah, if Comedy Central doesn't want to go into the porn business, someone should stop them," a famous actor shouted out.

But the two intertwined comics weren't paying attention to their audience, for the first time in their careers. After Ralph let her up for air, he whispered, "So, you'll try me out, dude?" in a nervous voice.

"Just try to get rid of me, Stoner Boy," she returned. "And I want one of those monogrammed gloves, too, drummer man."

"Done," Ralph smiled as he kissed her again.

- the end -

_**This is the third story in the Ralph as comic-verse. A fourth "epilogue" of sorts will be posted later this week as well. The first two stories in this universe are "Stand-Up Truth" and "Mini-Dasey". Feel free to check those out as well.**_


End file.
